The deep despondency I encountered each morning as I woke is nearly too intense for description within my vocabulary or expression. I hoped to be waking from a nightmare; instead, my heart would sink as I realized that I was waking to my new tortured reality. A wave of confusion, sadness, numbness, terror, and hopelessness would wash over me as I was reminded that I was not in our bed… or, in the home we had created together. Instead, I woke to my sister clutching onto me in an effort to comfort and relieve me of as much torment as she could… I found refuge and solace for a few hours an evening as I clung onto her and dreamt of better things. Her warmth and love surrounded me and made me feel at home… we shared a womb – after all.
Open your eyes. Sit up. Put your feet on the floor. Stand. Walk to the bathroom. Turn on the water. Undress. Get in the shower. Bathe. Turn off the water. Get out of the tub. Towel off. Get dressed… and don’t you DARE put the clothes you slept in back on… Put on clothes you can leave the house in. DO IT, Elizabeth! Put on makeup. Dry your hair… Until those, seemingly, simple and everyday things became second nature again, I had to actively tell myself to put my body in motion. My limbs felt so heavy and my mind so detached; even just putting one foot in front of the other was a challenge. But, I had to move; the days were actively proceeding, even though I couldn’t fathom how my life possibly could. I was still very much alive, and had people depending on me to be OK. I just had to play the part in order for it to all come together again… some day.
I was nearing the end of classes to earn an MBA when everything happened. As much as I felt like I could not concentrate or focus most of the time, I had come too far to stop now. I was determined to finish what I had started. The coursework gave me something positive to focus on, and I was able to finish the classes and graduate on schedule despite the circumstances. Hell yes! I did that! I finished my MBA!! In retrospect, I am beyond proud of this accomplishment; at the time, I just felt that it was something I had to do. In me existed a deep-rooted, intrinsic drive that propelled me. Best of all, this drive would not let me stay in bed, put on last night’s pajamas or give up… It would not let me QUIT. I had to continue working toward the goals I had set for myself. If I could finish my MBA during the most extreme circumstances I had experienced to-date, then what else was I capable of doing?!
Out of desperation for closure with the unexpected loss of my fiance, I reached out to a psychic. I didn’t put much merit into the accuracy of what she said as much as I did the words she offered. Her words triggered something in me that I don’t think I would have otherwise discovered. She told me that, in a past life, I was an Egyptian Warrior. BAHAAAAA!! Me? An Egyptian Warrior?! You’re crazy lady! She went on to say that, as a warrior, I was strong-willed and a natural leader. I (he) lead armies of soldiers into many successful battles. I giggled as I envisioned myself as an enormously robust Egyptian man (What?! It’s my pretend past warrior self… I could have been a mountain of a man… We don’t know! haha). She went on to tell me that I carried a lot of the character traits from my former life into my present being. PAUSE. Hmmm… And, here I was thinking I had inherited my stubbornness, I mean… headstrong characteristics, from certain members of my family. HAHA! BUT, this woman made me think. True or not, I liked the thought of having personality traits of a strong Egyptian Warrior.
I am lucky enough to have had it vocalized to me the strength and drive others recognize in me; however, in reality, I am NO DIFFERENT from anyone else. Sometimes, we don’t know how we will respond to things until they happen. We are all given the strength and power to choose how our circumstances will affect us. We get to decide HOW we think, HOW we feel and HOW we react to any situation we are faced with. I made a choice. My circumstances will not define me, but will give me character and will add to my durability. If you are finding it difficult to see how you can possibly move forward and keep going; if you feel that you have lost your WILL or your DRIVE. You just can’t get MOTIVATED. Reflect on your accomplishments and give yourself the credit you deserve. Search within. Channel YOUR inner Egyptian Warrior. You don’t have to be what you think other’s expect you to be. You get to decide; this is your life – after all. Live for yourself. You can take it One. Day. At. A. Time… Take charge and fight for yourself. Talk yourself through each step, if you have to, until they become second nature again. You can do anything you put your mind to. YOU have the POWER. YOU are STRONG. YOU are a WARRIOR.